


Gay Omens

by Hobnob69



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale cleans his bookshop naked, Aziraphale tries to grow a vagina, Crowley is a bird, M/M, Post Apocalypse, and shits like a bird, baby au, they steal a baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:03:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobnob69/pseuds/Hobnob69
Summary: Crowley wants a baby. Aziraphale has his reservations.





	Gay Omens

**Author's Note:**

> If you aren’t comfortable with fics about two middle aged men stealing babies I would skip this one to be honest. Please enjoy and remember, my older brother is a boxer so if you leave a nasty comment he WILL knock you out.

Aziraphale was sorting through his diary of a whimpy kid collection when he heard three knocks on the door, much like sheldon from the Big Bang theory.

He could only assume it was some local schoolboys having a laugh at his expense and decided to ignore it. Besides, he’s just gotten his hands on ‘roderick rules’, an edition he hadn’t read in quite some time. 

Alas, the knocking persisted. Fucking schoolboys. 

“Come in.” The angel roared in a quiet tone.

Suddenly Crowley burst in the door! He had his phat devil wings out and flew around the room like some sort of caged pigeon. Disgusting.

“I say Crowley, what the fuck are you doing?” Aziraphale said in a British accent, and also putting on some clothes because he was naked (i headcannon that he always cleanes his bookshop naked)

“I’m here because I’ve decided I want a baby.” Crowley hissed tenderly, finally landing on a nearby table and taking a bird shit on a particularly expensive book much to the angels dismay.

Aziraphale looked confused for a moment as his face scrunched into a crumply ball. How tf could they have a baby, they were both men and didn’t have genitals. 

“I know what you’re thinking, but you can miracle yourself a woumb and I can miracle myself a willy. Then we can bonk each other silly.”

Aziraphale didn’t like this idea. One bit. For one pregnancy was a long and arduous task that would take at least a year. And two he didn’t want to have to miracle himself a vagina. He didn’t even know what a vangina looked like (lol virgin)

“No no that won’t do at all.” The white man said politely, shaking his head rigorously. “Our respective head offices wouldn’t like that one bit. If we both had a baby together.”

Crowley nodded and let out a noise of agreement before hopping off the table, knocking some books off the shelf in the process.

“I see your point. But consider this. A baby might help around your shop. And I will shout at it to make it grow.

Aziraphale was completely convinced. It was baby making time. Now there was only the issue of finding out what a vagina looked like. He knew he had a book on anatomy somewhere. He began to look up and down the shop.

Finally he found the book on human anatomy and turned to the vagina page. EUGH it was disgusting. Absolutely wretched. Aziraphale threw up and shut the book.

“Not a chance I’m having one of those lol.” 

Crowley sighed scratched his pointy chin in consideration. Then he snapped his fingers.

“If we can’t have a baby, we can take one!” 

“Oh brilliant idea Crowley! Simply brilliant! I say, let’s go get a baby.”

And off they went. They left the bookshop and made their way down the street. Of course the pair got some funny looks. Aziraphale was still partially naked, and Crowley had massive bird wings. 

Finally, they found a small pram, with a fleshy mass of baby inside. It was clapped, but it would do. 

“What do you want to call it babe.” The crow man cawed, showering the baby with kisses and pecks.

“How about...hope.”

“No that’s gay he shall be called Ben. Ben Dover.”

The husbands nodded in unison. It really was a fitting name for an ugly ugly baby.

“Now let’s take it home before the mother comes back.” Crowley said, carrying the baby by its ear. They were going to be great fathers.

The pair flew off into the London sky, baby dangling in hand. This was truly the beginning of a new chapter (end of chapter.)

**Author's Note:**

> Ummm...my pee just came out white 😳 what is it??


End file.
